I'd rather be...

I'd rather be unhappy than to be good enough.

Restless...

My perfectionist fingers are itching... need to create/write/draw something.

But what?

Hmm.

Brainstorm.

Weather's clear.

Ready for takeoff?

Green light.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

Checkered flag.

Before anything starts, it's already finished. It's just a matter of whether you want to see the product or not.

Like the risky baseline volley,

I have faith that I'm in the right place, at the right time, with the right tools, and I will continue to grow my collection of tools to fit the changing times and the changing places.

I have faith that I will stay in play.

Insight

From Anachronistic to Avant-garde: The Transformation of The Stagnant Self into a Series of Everliving Epiphanies

I guess this will be my theme for the coming year, a mission to bring myself out of an uninspired slump onto the creative fast-track.

Why?

Well, why not?

My meal ticket's at stake, I'm in one of the best places to work, I've got the goods (I think), and even though trends come full circle, I might not live till the day where renaissance men (pseudo-renaissance men, to be modest, and perhaps a bit more honest) like myself are highly sought after.

Ahem, ergo, I will have to change with the times, won't I? Change my mindset, change my attitude, revamp and refurbish my thoughts and thought processes, defragment my neural pathways, and start getting focused on everything else but the past. Times are indeed changing, and holding on to certain things for dear life ain't gonna cut me a big enough slice of the capitalist pie.

"If it works, it's obsolete."

If the theme doesn't materialise, one thing's for sure: at least I know I left where I came from, and I'm moving. It's like Toyota, moving forward.

Too upset to sleep.

I can't believe how upset I am. I don't remember feeling this much sadness in a long time. Maybe this is the result of rapid change. Maybe it's upset that's long overdue. Maybe it's upset that I've repressed over the years, and it's finally let out of the cage. Sometimes it feels so bad I just want to send myself over the balcony and plunge into bliss.

And the shooting pain running through my heart isn't helping either. Feels like with every 5 breaths, there's a chance for a seizure.

Somebody just take me away, please. I'm too sensitive for my own good.

Why am I so hard to get along with? Why??? Have I changed at all? I just can't seem to please the people I love. Why is that? Why is life so cruel?

I think I'm losing it. I should try to sleep.

When I get upset, I get withdrawn, like the agitated mimosa. Why is that? Why can't I just talk about it and let the upset slide? Why do I hold so much pain in me? Who designed me like this?

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I feel like a little kid. I guess this part of me really never grew up. Along with many other parts of me, just like Sandy said.

Are there parts of me that are mature, at all? Suddenly it feels like I'm learning to live all over again.

Well I did press the reset button, didn't I.